My Beautiful Baby
by LillyBGurl
Summary: My life is… it's complicated…  I always live trying to be good enough to make my mother feel proud of me, but it seems that despite all my efforts, never is enough, she always find her ways to make me feel like trash…


Ok, I wrote this story in one of my saddest moments, I cry while I wrote ... I'm not sure where I came, I can only can say that what I wrote with all the feelings I live at that time.

Hope you like it, and I offer an apology for the mistakes it might have, since I am new to this ...  
Thanks

**My Beautiful Baby**

**My life is… it's complicated…**

**I always live trying to be good enough to make my mother feel proud of me, but it seems that despite all my efforts, never is enough, she always find her ways to make me feel like trash…**

I live well, my mother is the owner of one of the most prestigious fashion labels in New York, and now she expand the business to Paris, where she actually lives with her husband Cyrus. My daddy, well, he leaves my mother a few years ago and now he lives in Paris with his boyfriend Roman…

Me, I have 19 years old now; I'll be attending to Columbia after spent one year surviving in the hideous NYU. I live in one of the most luxurious penthouses in the Upper East Side. Now I have the respect of my mother, who leave me the penthouse, so I could say that my life is going pretty well, but… there's always one "but"…

I had the perfect boyfriend, or at least I used to think that, but not, it was a terrible deception. I know that all relationships had good and bad moments, but in ours, the bad moments were the most. It was one bad decision after another and keeps going and at the end, all the problems were just too big and neither of us could do anything to fix it… It was over…

But then, another big situation, I could never call it a problem, because despite everything, it's one thing that it will change my life…

When the summer begins, I decided to go to Paris with my best friend Serena, I could visit my daddy and Roman, and my mother and Cyrus as well, it will be the perfect summer, I will be able to forget everything and start over, but I didn't count on this little situation.

At the end of our vacations, after two months, I start to think about my period, because in all the time in Paris it never came, but I want to think that it was probably because all the stress and worries that I had before I came, that or the fact that my "condition" had back, there's been almost two years since the last time that I do it, but after all the pain and deception, I feel the need to do it again, tough, it was only twice before Paris… And I feel relieve that nobody had noted yet, but still, right now I know that this is not the reason why my period hasn't come… I'm just trying to fool myself, I already know what's happening with my body, I know why my period hasn't come, I knew the next morning after we arrive to Paris and to my mother's penthouse, it was the "morning sickness", I make sure that everyone believe that it was the stress or the jet lag, but I knew that none of that was the answer, I knew that I was pregnant, I could feel it… But I couldn't face it yet, I was too scared to admit to myself that, I just decide to ignore as long as I could…

I try my best to hide all the symptoms, but with Serena and my mother on my back all the time it seems a very difficult task, every morning, I felt sick and run to the bathroom, and both of them were sure that my old condition has back, it was part true, because I did it a couple times before, but this was different. I try to convince them that it was something that I ate, I don't know how, but they believe me, at least the first week…

Once the morning sickness was controlled, almost, I could start to enjoy my vacations, I decided to restart my life, to forget the past, to forget Chuck, if only that could be that simple…

I try my best, and it works, I really enjoy those two months with Serena, I visit my daddy and Roman, well, even I enjoy to be with my mother, I think that Cyrus is really good for her, and that makes me happy…

When our vacations were about to finish, something happen…

I didn't know if I was dreaming or if it was real, I was hoping, almost begging that all that was a nightmare so I just could open my eyes and everything will finish, but no, all was really happening. I was in pain, a terrible pain, right in my womb, I open my eyes and it was still darkness, I don't know how, but I managed myself to reach my watch, it was 3:12am, everything was in silence, I want to sit but the pain was too much, I needed to stay calm and not scream, but just when I was thinking exactly that, I felt the most horrifying pain ever, and I just couldn't help it, a very loud scream came out of my throat, I close my eyes hoping that If I do it all the pain would vanished, but it didn't.

Suddenly I felt a couple hands shaking my shoulders, and a voice calling my name, I open my eyes and I only could see shadows, I couldn't recognize who was, somewhere in my memory I knew that it probably was Serena, because her room was right next to mine, but right now I didn't care who she was, I only want the pain to be gone…

I couldn't speak, every time I try to say something, the only sound it came was a groan, I barely could understand what they were asking me, I wasn't really paying attention, in that moment the only thought I had was _I'm going to die, oh God no, my baby, Chuck… no… _after that, everything was black…

I open my eyes, and I don't recognize anything, I got scared for a second, but when my mind start to organize all my fears and start to see all around me, I finally figure out, it looks like a hospital room, but why? I couldn't remember anything, yesterday I was having fun with Serena walking in Paris beautiful streets, and by the night, we were having a nice dinner with my mother and Cyrus, and later I was sleeping… so What am I doing in a hospital room? I try to sit, but I feel pain, wait, I felt this before… this is not normal, _Oh my God! My baby!..._

I suddenly remember everything, it hit me like a baseball straight to my head… _oh no, my baby, did I… no…_ I force my brain to not even think in that word, I was so scared… I feel tears coming down my cheeks, and I guess my thoughts came out load, because I feel a hand touching mine, I turn my head and I see my mother, a worried look on her eyes, but a little smile on her mouth…

- Blair darling, you're awake, how do you feel? Are you in pain?

- Mother…

- That's the only word it came out, then only tears and sobs, my mom hold my hand and with her other, wipe my tears and kiss me, I hear her voice in a whisper on my ear…

- Don't cry my baby, everything its going to be fine…

Finally, I could find the words to speak, to ask the question that it was killing me…

- My baby… Is he…

- I'm sorry sweetheart… I'm so sorry…

No, that wasn't possible, everything it was just a nightmare, in any minute I'm going to wake up and everything it's going to be normal, I'm going to be pregnant and perfect, and it will be the right moment to tell everyone the truth… I close my eyes tight, hoping that when I opened again, all will be fine… but that didn't happen, I still was in that hospital room, my mother was still beside my bed holding my hand and now she was crying… _Why? Why happen this to me? Why?_

It was something that I just couldn't understand; I really want that baby, _MY baby… Chuck's baby…_

Now I feel my mother's arms hugging me, but I was still, motionless, I didn't react, I couldn't… I just want to die, I felt empty, _God, I want to die and go with my baby…_

In my dreams I could hear voices, and now I did recognize all of them, it was like if my brain was forcing me to stay awake and alert, but my body was fighting against…

- Eleanor? How is she?

- She falls asleep again. Serena dear, do you knew?

- No, she never mentions anything…

- My baby, God, I can't imagine how she is feeling…

- Eleanor, calm down, we need to be strong for her, she need us

- Harold, I can't… I just can't see my baby like this, suffering…

- I know, but we have to try…

Exactly, she couldn't imagine, nobody can't imagine how I was feeling… My entire world was falling apart; I didn't care anything, Columbia, Serena, my Mother… my life… All I want in this moment is to die… But I guess what I want in this moment is not important to nobody…

I don't know how long I been here, it seems like years, I still can hear the whispers of the people in the room, only this time are some who I don't recognize, I guess are the doctors or nurses, I can't understand what they're saying, but I don't want to move nor open my eyes, I just want to stay like this, maybe if I stay long enough, in some point, I'll die…

But the time pass and I'm still alive, and I can't keep pretending anymore, I want to see my mom, I want to hug her, I need to hug her, and my daddy… I feel alone and I'm scared… so I finally let my brain take a little control over my body and decide to "wake up"…

There she was, right next to me, her head lying on the bed and still holding my hand, I squeeze her hand to let her know that I'm awake.

- Honey, are you ok?

- Mommy… _Damn, I hate to cry in front of her, but I guess this time, I have to, I need to…_

- Shhh… it's ok baby, cry, I'm here and I won't leave…

- I… I'm so… sorry… for not telling you before…

- Blair baby, you don't have to apologize for anything,

- But… If I…

- Don't say nothing honey, I love you, you know that, right? I love you so much and I'm not going to …

- I love you too mom…

Oh, I really needed this hug, I can't be strong anymore, I'm broke now, I'm crying, but now I know that my mom it's here with me, and right now, it's all I care… I don't even need to know what happen… I don't want to know…

I fall asleep again, and I had a dream, a beautiful dream…

I was sitting in a bench somewhere, I didn't recognize that place, but it was beautiful… I was there, holding in my arms, the most pretty baby I've ever seen in my life… I was lost in those lovely brown eyes, are the same color of your father's… and without any word, I could understand all your thoughts, my little baby… _I know that neither you or me weren't ready for you to came, and don't worry baby, I'm not going to be sad anymore, because now I know that you will come some day, when we both, including your daddy be ready and together to welcome you, and to be a lovely family… and when that day comes, I'm going to love you even more, my beautiful baby… _

I wake up again, this time I was in my bedroom back un New York, it's been three weeks, and tomorrow it will be my first college day at Columbia, I can't say that I'm happy, but I know for sure that I'm not sad… I know now that a new life is waiting for me, and in this new life, some day, the new Chuck and the new Blair will be together again, and this time both will be ready for loving each other and ready to wait for our little beautiful baby… someday…

* * *

_Dear Baby_

_I'm here, waiting for the day that I finally could meet you, the day that I finally can see your beautiful face, those eyes, and I'm so excited, because there are only a couple months more._

_I'm writing you this, because one day, when you read this, I want you to know that I was waiting for you, loving you since the very first time that you were part of me, that time when neither of both were ready…_

_But now, five years later, we are, your father and me, are waiting for you, both excited for you, we can't wait for see you, and give you all the love and the caresses and kisses that we can… _

_I'm so happy now my pretty baby, because I have so much love to give you, all the love that I been saving for you all this years… _

_We all are very excited for you, your daddy, your grandmother Eleanor, and Cyrus, and your grandfather Harold and Roman, your aunt Serena, all are here waiting for you, all happy because your arrive it's the most important event in our lives, your coming brings to us love, bright and happiness, and we only hope you can feel all this emotions..._

_And,_

_I only hope that you remember me, as much as I remember you, _

_I only hope that you are ready for me, as much as I'm ready for you_

_I only hope that you love me, as much as I love you,_

_As much as your daddy and me are already loving you,_

_My, our pretty baby…_

_I love you my beautiful baby, always have and always will…_

_Your Mommy _

_Blair Bass_


End file.
